Hello! May is mental health awareness month. What are you doing to care for your mental health? It is my desire that all of you grow and thrive in this community. Your wellbeing is important. I pray that you feel God’s loving-kindness toward you this month and always!
Today’s Question: I have been married for 23 years and we have 3 teenaged children. I have done everything I know to do to get my husband to heal and function better in our family. He has a lot of unresolved trauma from his mother and he is unwilling to get counseling. He has more recently gotten medication for bi-polar disorder and anxiety but I think he misuses the medication and mixes it with alcohol. He may take other drugs as well. He is very sneaky and high functioning so others don't really see what's going on even though there have been several job changes. I have tried gently calling him out on his poor behavior using scripture. I have appealed to his stated goals as husband and father. I have even gone to the pastoral staff of several different churches we have attended for support, as we have moved around many times at his whim. They don’t seem to see his destructiveness or detect his lies. He seems to be chasing something or running away from something, but he won't listen to my desires or my input. He is constantly criticising and blaming me for all of his bad decisions. What more can I do? I just want him to realize what a mess he is making of our family. I don't want a divorce. I vowed to death do us part because I believe in the power of Christ to fix it. I’m trying hard not to lose hope but it is fading fast. Jesus seems to be distant in my struggle. Can you help?
Susan’s Response: I can hear the pain and concern in your words and my heart goes out to you. I imagine there is so much more you could say about how the bad behaviors and destructiveness have affected you as you have persevered in this marriage. Divorce would undoubtedly bring pain and unknowns as well. There is no perfect solution and you can not heal the marriage alone. So what more can you do so that you can preserve your hope? Let’s explore the word hope a little deeper.
We have all recently experienced the Easter weekend. I believe there is so much to learn about hope from the scriptural passages talking about the last days Jesus had on earth. Leading up to the original Good Friday and the crucifixion of Jesus, many had a naive hope about what the Messiah would do and what having a King in Jesus would look like. When Jesus was nailed to the cross and buried in the tomb, naive hope was shattered.
The Old Testament speaks of a coming Messiah and prophesizes about a future time of restoration and peace. When Jesus started his ministry on earth, He began revealing what certain hope meant for all who were listening. Though they were hearing, they were not understanding and still hanging on to naive hope. Why? They didn’t have the experience and language to understand what was happening in their world; their view of Jesus was limited. The believers of the time were doing the best they could with what they had.
In reading Luke 24: 13-35 about the two followers of Jesus on the road to Emmaus, verse 21 tells us that they had hoped Jesus was the one to redeem Israel. The two people were sad because what they had been hoping for was lost. The man they saw as a prophet, mighty in deed and word before God and all people, had been crucified and condemned to death (vs. 19). Even their understanding of who Jesus is was limited.
Along the road, Jesus was walking right with them and their eyes were kept from recognizing him (vs. 16). He tells the two people about the certain hope that His life, death, and resurrection would bring. Yet in their current state, they could not understand. Their grief was heavy and all consuming. It wasn’t until they received what He was offering that they were able to experience His presence. What He offered was not the hope they wanted or expected.
Dear one, the Lord sees you. He sees your grief and your efforts. He is right there with you offering you certain hope. It may look differently than you had planned. Can you be open to receive what God may have for you so that you can experience His presence and goodness in your life?
So what more can you do? By what you shared, I can understand that your husband has some problems. His problems are significantly impacting you. Not considering his actions or inactions, what is it that YOU need most? What is your problem with his problem?
Defining your problem could give you important information about how to move forward in a different way. You have been putting time and energy into trying to get your husband to resolve his problems. What if he continues to choose the same path? What if he never invests in solving his problems? If you keep hoping he will change, you may continue to be disappointed. God doesn’t force His will on anyone but allows all the freedom to choose their own path.
Psalm 62:5 says, “For God alone, O my sole, wait in silence, for my hope is from Him.” Jesus doesn’t promise that we will have beautiful marriages or that believers will do their work to be healthy. What promises do you find in scripture that you want to hang on to?
Once you get real with yourself about the harm you are experiencing, you can focus on attending to your own feelings and distress. Until you allow the Lord to bind up your broken heart and tend to your wounds, you will continue to remain in this state of disappointment, confusion and chaos. The process of grieving is necessary in order to move into acceptance of truth about your situation. Once you do, you will be able to see more clearly about what next steps to take for your own mental health and wellbeing.
God desires a genuine and loving relationship with humanity, which requires voluntary acceptance, not forced compliance. What decisions will you make for yourself even if your husband doesn’t move toward change?
Be Well!
Beloved reader, have you been able to let go of a naive hope that has kept you stuck? What helped you move forward toward certain hope in Christ?
